A Romp With the Death Eaters: Revised
by Oricon
Summary: Read about the Adventures of Voldemort and his Death Eaters. Includes trips to Wal-Mart, cool new hideouts, and Hagrid's plumbing. COMPLETE!
1. Default Chapter

Let me start with a little introduction. This is the revised version of   
  
A Romp With the Death Eaters. I chose to revise it because I had a request for longer chapters. I hope this will be more entertaining for you. I've worked extremely hard(10 minutes) on this and expect it to be appreciated! Not really, but if you don't like it, don't be mean. I hope you enjoy a longer version of the first chapter! If you want to contrast the two versions for some reason, the other one is here, just click on my user name. If you do contrast the two, please tell me what you think is best. Thanks.  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing, JKR owns everything.  
  
Chapter 1  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Voldemort has a plan.  
  
A circle of Death Eaters gathered in the Forbidden Forest waiting for their master. He was ten minutes late and everyone was getting quite upset, with the exception of Peter Pettigrew. He was singing along to the newest Britney Spears tune on his headset whilst bobbing his head.  
  
"Knock it off Peter!" shouted Snape.  
  
Peter, who couldn't hear Snape's request, continued bobbing his head to the music.  
  
Snape lifted one of Peter's earphones and said very audibly,"How many times do I have to tell you? Electronic devises don't work on Hogwarts' grounds."  
  
The music abruptly stopped playing along with Peter's head-bobbing.  
  
Meanwhile, something very Dark and disturbing was moving towards them in the shadows. The figure loomed with an ominouseness(like my word?) that only Richard Simmons is capable of. It loomed towards the gathered group, silently and stealthily, preparing to pounce when...  
  
"GEE WIZ, Look everybody!" said a rosey-cheeked Lucius. "Voldemort's here!"  
  
Snape grabbed Peter's walkman and clomped Lucius over the head with it. A red mark appeared on Lucius' face where he had been assaulted and he rubbed at the soreness that was forming, unaware of the damage it had caused to his flawless epidermis.  
  
"You ruined it!!" said Voldemort menacingly. "How many times do I have to tell you that when I'm looming ominously in the shadows not to blurt out,'There's Voldemort!'? I'm in my sneaky mode and would prefer to give you all a bit of a fright if you don't mind. Let's try again, shall we?"  
  
Voldemort stomped back into the Forbidden Forest and hid conspicuously behind a very small pine tree.  
  
The Death Eaters' gazes followed the Dark Lord to his less than worthy hiding spot.  
  
"Well, go on!" Voldemort yelled. "Start talking like you were a minute ago. Pretend you haven't seen me."  
  
"This is futile," Snape muttered under his breath.  
  
The Death Eaters turned away and awkwardly engaged themselves in conversation once more while Voldemort crept slowly and ominously behind them. Peter pulled out his new issue of Teen Beat and began to drool of the half-naked photographs of Britney Spears. He found a poster of Christina Aguilera and, thoroughly disgusted, ripped it out and stomped it into the ground.  
  
"Britney's so much better than you," he yelled at the crumpled heap on the ground. "You're nothing but a filthy hooch, strutting around in those trashy outfits, IN PUBLIC! Britney would NEVER!"  
  
"Oh, get off it Peter," yelled Voldemort from behind the tree. "Britney is dirty enough to play lesbian for a little publicity. What do you think of that?"  
  
"Well, Christina did it, too!"  
  
"Yeah, but no one noticed!"  
  
"Would you quit?" yelled Snape. "I thought you were supposed to be sneaking up on us."  
  
"Well, give me time! I'm not Speedy Bloody Gonzalas!"  
  
Lucius, then became very interested in the crushed piece of paper that lay on the ground.   
  
"How come I don't have those?" he muttered to himself while fondling his chest.  
  
Meanwhile, Voldemort inched his way closer. Giggles emitted from a shrub nearby the assembled group and The Dark Lord prepared himself for the Simba-like pounce that would result in fear and intimidation. He readied himself, but as he was doing so his bald head peeked out from behind the shrub and Lucius looked up from the curious piece of paper he was holding in his hand.  
  
"Look! Voldemort's come back, everyone!" Lucius exclaimed.  
  
"You imbecile!" bellowed Snape as he clomped Lucius over the head with Peter's headset once more.  
  
Another red mark, darker than the first one appeared on the other pale cheek and he immediately whipped out his handy-dandy-trusty portable mirror.  
  
"ACK!" Lucius emitted an unnatural sound that could only be compared to a nuclear explosion. That is, a nuclear explosion that sounds a lot like 'ACK!'.  
  
"Voldemort! Severus hit me on the head...twice! And now I have a mark! I was supposed to model for Neutrogena on Monday!" whinned Lucius as he tugged at the Dark Lord's robes.  
  
"Silence!" yelled the Dark Lord, Lucius cringed. " How many times do I have to tell you? Don't call me Voldemort. I want my boys to love me and be greatly intimidated, not fear me. Call me Daddy.  
  
"Now Lucius, tell Daddy where it hurts," Voldemort continued in as soothing a tone as he could muster. "We'll have you modelling for Neutrogena in no time!"  
  
Lucius' cheeks turned even rosier around the bruises.  
  
"Why did you call us here?" Snape said lazily clearly wanting to get off the subject of Lucius' double life.  
  
"Impatient, are we?" said the Dark Lord. Snape nodded. Voldemort let out a long sigh. "Because I have a plan to get us the BESTEST hideout ever." beamed Voldemort.  
  
"Oh Lord. We're not going back to that convent, are we? Those uniforms take all of the volume out of my hair and those tights really bind in the crotch..." said Snape with a painful look on his face.  
  
"Nuns aren't supposed to wear tights," said Voldemort slowly.  
  
"Anyway," said Snape quickly trying to cover his tracks,"What was this plan you were talking about?"  
  
Voldemort mused some more over the mental image Snape had created for him, then began,"I have a plan to get us the BESTEST hideout ever! Dumbledore will never suspect us..." He then continued to laugh in his most evil laugh for anywhere from three to fifty minutes until Snape finally interupted him.  
  
"Well, where is it?"  
  
"Under Hagrid's cabin," said Voldemort simply. "All we have to do is dig a great big hole under Hagrid's cabin, Dumbledore will never susp-"  
  
"Are you mad?" Snape bellowed. "Granted, Hagrid's not the most clever person on the Hogwarts grounds, but I'd think he'd hear fifteen some odd Death Eaters hacking away under his house."  
  
There was a dramatic pause in which all of the Death Eaters looked uncertainly around at one another. Lucius was still fondling his breats.  
  
"Well, I think it's a great idea," said Lucius in his most flattering voice. "Just because you can never be as evil as Voldemort..." he trailed off at the look on Voldemorts face. He had just called him Voldemort. Lucius backed away cautiously and made himself invisible behind Peter. Well, almost invisible, his white-blond hair was poking curiously out from behind Peter's head making quick jerking motions. Frightened sobs were audible.  
  
There was another dramatic pause. Then Peter said," Can we have a ping-pong table?"  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Please read and review. Thanks! 


	2. Digging the Hideout

Alright, so chapter two of the revised version. I've added a few more twists that will hopefully make your read a bit more enjoyable. I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it.  
  
Duchess of Inkling: Thank you for the review! You made me feel all warm and toasty inside. I've learned not to do this for the readers! I'm doing it for my enjoyment, but I also like good reviews that make me feel all warm and toasty inside. It's a vicious cycle.  
  
Chapter 2  
  
Digging the Hideout  
  
"Oops! I did it ag- OWW!!" Peter exclaimed just as a wrongly, but oh-so -correctly aimed shovel sliced right through his right leg just above the knee.  
  
"Get back to work, Peter! You can sew your leg back on when you've finished!" growled Voldemort who was supervising the Death Eaters as they labored away.  
  
Peter was squealing in pain and clutching his half-severed leg.  
  
"Whoops! Sorry about that Peter," said Snape in a clearly sarcastic voice that no one picked up.  
  
The Death Eaters had been shovelling dirt from under Hagrid's cabin for nearly three hours. Instead of doing it the easy way and using magic, Voldemort opted for them to do it the hard way because he wanted to see Lucius shirtless. It had taken two and a half hours to get Lucius shirtless and because of this Voldemort had to keep distracting them in order to refill the hole a bit. Now, however, Voldemort was grinning from ear to ear as he watched Lucius' muscular body bring water in glasses with little umbrellas to everyone else.  
  
"Gee, look everybody!" said Lucius grinning from ear to ear. "It's Nearly Leg-less Peter."  
  
Snape smacked Lucius over the head with his shovel who then preceded to fall over and drop the tray full of icey drinks he was carrying. The water cascaded over Lucius' body and Voldemort began to drool.  
  
"Come here Lucius, my dear," the Dark Lord cooed sweetly. Lucius did as he was told and Voldemort loomed over him examining his body.  
  
"Oh dread!" exclaimed Voldemort as he clapped his hands to his face. "It seems you are beginning to burn. Come with me over to the bushes and let me lube you up....cough I mean rub this SPF on you."  
  
Lucius skipped off with Voldemort into the bushes.  
  
An hour passed and Lucius was still being lubed up...cough I mean being SPFed by the Dark Lord. The hole was halfway dug for the third time when they heard a certain half-giant trudging toward the back of his cabin. All of the Death Eaters ran towards the bushes that were emitting strange sounds and a startled scream was heard. Snape, however, had tripped over part of Peter's leg completely severing it and now laid face down in the dirt.  
  
"Say, whatcha up ter, Professer?" said Hagrid in his unmistakable half- giant tongue.  
  
"I- uh...well, I was... um," stammered Snape. It was the first time Snape didn't have something smart and cunning, yet disturbingly sexy to say. "I was looking for potion ingredients," he finally stammered out with much deliberation.  
  
"Under my hut?" asked Hagrid suspiciously, eyeing Snape closely.  
  
Hagrid had been suspicious of Snape ever since that time Voldemort had dared Snape to steal a pair of Hagrid's half-giant, pole-cat skin underpants and wear them on his head. Hagrid had, of course, caught him between the act of stealing and putting them on his head, and when asked what he was doing Snape replied, "Um, wh-...Looking for potion ingredients..." Luckily, Hagrid was stupid enough to buy the pathetic lie, but the Death Eater's would never let him live it down.  
  
The Death Eaters in the surrounding bushes giggled at the memory. Wormtail let out a snort.  
  
"Um, yea. It's the only place I can find....Leg of Wormtail. Yeah, that's it," Snape recovered feebily.  
  
"Oh, I see," said Hagrid looking around at all of the shovels. "Need any help?"  
  
Thoroughly suprised by this offer Snape handed Hagrid his shovel. Hagrid refused it and instead went down into the half-dug whole on all fours. Seconds passed while Hagrid dug with his hands, throwing dirt between his legs and then he emerged from the hole that had been dug directly under his cabin. "I think this might be Leg of Wormtail,"Hagrid said holding up Wormtail's severed leg,"butcha can check fer yerself."  
  
"Um, Hagrid?" Snape asked while looking innocently at his feet. "Could you not tell the Headmaster about this?"  
  
Hagrid blushed,"O'course not. You're my bes' friend. Even after tha' pole-cat underwear incident." Hagrid smiled sweetly at Snape who looked thoroughly disgusted.  
  
Snape tossed a doggy treat into the air and Hagrid caught it with his mouth. Hagrid chewed hungrily for a moment then retired to his cabin.  
  
REVIEW, Darn it! 


	3. Voldemort Summons His DE'sAt WalMart

Well, this seems to be everyone's favorite chapter so far so there was not much to be done with it, though I did add some stuff. I hope it's pleasurable for all of my dedicated fans, hehe.  
  
Chapter 3  
  
Voldemort Summons his Death Eaters....at Wal-Mart.  
  
The dawn sun beat down on the black pavement of the Wal-Mart parking lot, and all around, people with masks and robes were appearing out of thin air. They congregated in a circle around a man who was sitting on one of the swing-sets that were chained together and licking a lollypop.  
  
"Why did you call us so early? And why here?" Snape said looking up at the large building with a look of utter disgust and wiping the early morning drool off his face.  
  
"Today we're going to buy furnishings for our new hideout," said Voldemort with an excited smile on his face," you know, tables, chairs, those little adhesive butterflies that you can stick on the windows..."  
  
"Underground hideout's don't have windows," said Lucius at once. But, at the look on Voldemort's face he backed away behind Peter. Lucius remembered the events in the bushes the other day too well. He didn't want to repeat it.  
  
"Also," said Voldemort,"We need some Death Eater stationary. Something that will really strike fear into the hearts of the weakminded! Like verticle lines or polka-dots!" Voldemort smiled proudly.  
  
"Ooh!" sang Peter. "I'll go get the stationary! Can I Daddy? Can I?" Peter then proceded to jump up and down like a thirteen year old girl who's just got tickets to a Backstreet Boy's concert. He then realized he only had one leg and fell over at once.  
  
"Of course," simpered Voldemort, very pleased with Peter's eagerness." Now I assign each of you some extremely evil and offensice items to get, as we don't have much of a budget get something EVIL looking, but at the cheapest price. Lucius, you can get the little adhesive butterflies since I know you like them so much."  
  
Lucius stepped out from behind Peter and went sobbing into the store,"Daddy doesn't love me!!!!"  
  
"Crabbe and Goyle, since you two can't operate without one another you can go get a table and chairs."  
  
Crabbe and Goyle then proceded to the "OUT" door of the store and couldn't figure out why the door wasn't opening. Voldemort ignored them.  
  
"Severus, you can get a ping-pong table for Peter. I'm off to Circut City to get a lap top and then to Anthony's Sex Shop, Bar, and Grill to get some personal items, I'll meet you back here." Voldemort disapparated.  
  
Snape walked into the store mumbling something about what a stupid job it was to get a ping-pong table and how Voldemort never took him to Anthony's. He passed Crabbe and Goyle still trying to get through the "OUT" door and went straight to the "toy" section.  
  
Meanwhile, Peter was checking out the stationary.  
  
"Flowers or Bubbles?" Peter mused. "Flowers or Bubbles? Oh, Severus? Should I get Flowers or Bubb..."  
  
He then caught sight of a PowerPuff Girls notebook, complete with stickers and cute little gel pen with a feather on the end.  
  
Dramatic music played in the background and a choir started to sing as Peter reached for the PowerPuff Girls stationary. A strange light emanated from the fluorescent ceiling of the store, shining one straight beam of light onto the very shelf on which it sat. He checked the price.  
  
"$5.95!!! I could buy two Flower stationaries for that!," Peter thought to himself. Peter shrugged. Hey, it was Powerpuff Girls!   
  
Peter walked toward the cashier and on his way passed Lucius, looking very amused as he read the back of a box of condoms.  
  
"Check the toy section," Peter said to Lucius.  
  
"I gotta try these," Lucius muttered as he stuffed the box into his robes. He then went off to the toy section.  
  
Severus, however was very pleased with himself, he had just found the last toy ping-pong table and it also converted into a pool table. As he was examining it a stout woman with a red handbag walked up with a small child.  
  
"I want that, Mommy," said the boy, pointing at the package in Snape's arms.  
  
"Excuse me, gentle sir," said the woman. Severus knew what was coming. "My son wants this and he ALWAYS gets what he wants. Is there any way we could have that?"  
  
"No!" shouted Snape. Just who did this woman think she was messing with? "This gift is for my Master. He will be very pleased. And what could this tiny little prick want with it anyway, he's clearly weakminded and pathetic. He doesn't have the coordination required to hit a ping-pong ball nor the intellegence to hold the paddle."  
  
The woman, now very angry, slapped Snape across the face and then proceded to snatch the package from his arms. Snape reached inside his robes for his wand, but this only proved to worsen the situation. The woman screamed "RAPE!!" then shrieked for "Security". Snape ran, but not before he snatched up the first toy he could get his hands on. Voldemort would not be happy if he came back empty-handed. He passed Lucius on his way to the check-out, looking at some adhesive butterflies.  
  
"Hmmm," said Lucius. "Are these the kind he's talking about?" He shrugged his shoulders, grabbed two packs and proceded to the check out.   
  
"$4.99," said the cashier.  
  
With a flourish, Lucius whipped out his handy dandy credit card and swiped it... again... and again... and again...   
  
After Lucius had finished playing with the credit card and checked out, he went to join the others outside. He walked through the "OUT" door and into Crabbe and Goyle. An alarm started to sound.  
  
A big burly security guard caught up with Lucius and demanded he empty his pockets. Lucius did so. He had forgotten the pack of condoms.  
  
"Come with me," said the security guard in a deep and rumbling voice as he held up the pack of condoms. "I'll show you how to use... I mean, I need to give you a spank... I mean, you're in trouble!"  
  
"Why is it always me?" asked a frightened Lucius as he was man handled into the guard's office.  
  
A jealous Voldemort then asked to speak to the guard in private. There were shrieks and screams and several flashes of green light later Voldemort walked out of the store with a grin on his face and they all apparated back to the Forbidden Forest.  
  
"Thanks, Voldemort!" Lucius said when they had gotten to the forest.  
  
"CRUCIO" shrieked Voldemort. "How many time's do I have to tell you? Call me Daddy! I only do this because I love you."  
  
Well, what did you think? Review!! 


	4. Checking the Inventory

Chapter 4  
  
Checking the inventory.  
  
"So let me get this straight," said Voldemort with a furrowed brow. "We have no table or chairs thanks to Crabbe and Goyle's stupidity. We have no ping pong table because Severus here was attacked by an army of ministry wizards?"  
  
Severus Snape stepped foward with a pained expression on his face.  
  
"That's right, master," said Snape. "There was nothing I could do, they overtook me and stole the ping pong table. I was forced to flee to avoid capture."  
  
"Indeed. What did you get instead?" Voldemort said motioning to the object in Snape's hand.  
  
"It appears to be a stuffed bear," said Snape pulling the bear out of the package. "Hideously evil. Much more evil than a ping pong table if I do say so myself."  
  
The plush toy was pink and had red silk lining its ears and paws. On it's stomach was a red heart and a sticker that said 'TRY ME'.  
  
"Oooh, mine! Mine!" squealed Peter and he grabbed the bear out of Snape's hands.  
  
Snape released the bear with a look of utter disgust.  
  
"Try me," Peter muttered to himself while examining the tag on the bear's tummy. A string of spittle descended from his mouth onto the pink fluffiness of the bear.  
  
He pressed the red heart in the center. "I love you," cooed the bear.  
  
"I love you, too!" Peter squealed with delight and hugged the bear so hard it said,"I lo I I I love you." He continued to bounce up and down and pressed the button another five times.  
  
"Anyway," said Voldemort giving Peter a dirty look. "What did you get, Lucius, my dear?"  
  
A quivering Lucius brought Voldemort the bag of items he collected from Wal-mart including the item he had stolen.   
  
"Yes! You got the adhesive butterflies. Start sticking them on the walls, Peter," Voldemort tossed the pack of butterflies to Peter.   
  
"Ah, cherry flavored..." mused Voldemort as he pulled out the second item. "I'll keep these for myself... Lucius would you step outside with me for a moment?"  
  
"Um, Daddy?" said Peter in a cautious voice before Voldemort and Lucius left the room.  
  
"Yes, Peter, dear?" sighed Voldemort tucking the second item discreetly into his robes and walking stiffly over to Peter.  
  
"These things aren't sticking."  
  
Everyone watched as an adhesive butterfly slid down the muddy wall and fell onto the floor with a 'thwack'. The Death Eaters waited with bated breath for the horrific explosion that was about to ensue.  
  
Instead they were answered with,"Try sticking them on that pipe over there."  
  
Voldemort turned to walk out of the room again, walking more stiffly this time.  
  
"What pipe?" said Peter clearly not noticing the danger he was in.  
  
Voldemort stopped abruptly. There was another silence. The Dark Lord turned around slowly, walked over to Peter and led him over to a pipe that was protruding from the muddy wall of their hideout.  
  
"Eww, smelly," said Peter waving his hand in front of his face.   
  
The pipe was connected to Hagrid's toilet. In addition to housing Hagrid's waste, it was also a home to the feces of his vast magical menagerie.  
  
"Imperio!" shreiked Voldemort and Peter started banging his head against the pipe. Voldemort was clearly enjoying the look of anguish on   
  
Peter's face.  
  
"I wouldn't do that," said Snape, anticipating the worst. He had seen what Hagrid had for Lunch that day: Three jumbo taco's with 'Spicy Hot Flaming Hot Texas-style Jalapeño Hot Sauce', a bowl of pork and beans, and some Ex-Lax, the chocolate flavored kind, his favorite lunch-time dessert. Nothing good could come of this...  
  
Peter's head continued to bang incessantly against the pipe which was beginning to visibly loosen. A stench was quickly spreading around the room.  
  
"Stop! You're going to break it! STOP!!!"  
  
The pipe burst and everone was covered in Hagrid's latest digestion. An unconsious Peter sank to the ground still clutching the Care Bear covered in half-giant poo which emitted a last, "I love you."  
  
Not many ideas for this chapter. I have severe writers block, forgive me. 


	5. Chapters 5 and 6

Chapter 5  
  
bOperation Kill Harry Potter/b  
  
Well, I didn't change these two chapters, as I had no ideas and I'm too lazy, so I'm putting them together since they're relatively short.   
  
It was a lovely, sunny day and Voldemort had summoned his Death Eaters back to the cleverly hidden hide-out. It had been several days and Voldemort judged it to be well aired out and clear of any stench that was left there by the mishap.  
  
As Voldemort walked into the underground hideaway he drew in a deep breath and sighed happily to himself. That Febreeze stuff really works, he thought. He sat down in a nonexistant chair at the nonexistant table and switched on his new shiny laptop.   
  
"Electronic devices don't work on Hogwarts grounds," Peter said remembering for once what Snape had told him.  
  
Voldemort's computer switched off.  
  
"Well," said Voldemort clearly fighting off any urge to physically hurt Peter after what happened last time. "We're not really on Hogwarts grounds, we're under it, so it doesn't count."  
  
Voldemort's computer switched back on as did Peter's headset which he was carrying in his pocket.  
  
"Oh, Baby Baby!" Peter exclaimed while putting on his headset. He then blew a giant raspberry at Snape who confiscated the walkman and spit in his face.  
  
"Now, now boys," said Voldemort for once trying to avoid an altercation. "I've been brainstorming for the past few days and have come to the conclusion that since this is a secret operation we will be in the need of codenames. First and foremost we need a title for our mission. Anybody have any ideas?"  
  
"What are we trying to do again?" Lucius said.  
  
"Kill Harry Potter, you idiot!"   
  
"Oh, yeah," said a glazed over Lucius. "Why don't we call it 'Operation Kill Harry Potter'?"  
  
"Well, it's a little bit obvious, isn't it, you dolt," sneered Snape.  
  
"No, no. I like it," said a pensive Voldemort.  
  
"I do hope you're being sarcastic. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard," said Snape.  
  
"No, I'm not being sarcastic. The plan name is simple and easy to remember. If anyone in the Ministry heard it they'd never suspect us. They'd think 'Voldemort and his gang sure must be stupid to name the operation that'," said Voldemort.  
  
"Exactly," said Snape.  
  
"What?" said Voldemort.  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"Well, that's settled. The plan is called 'Operation Kill Harry Potter'!"  
  
  
  
Chapter 6  
  
bDimple Deepdelver/b  
  
"Hey you guys! Check this out! Look what I found!" exclaimed Voldemort as he was surfing the web on his brand new laptop.  
  
All of the curious Death Eaters gathered around the computer as Voldemort showed them the nifty new site he'd found.  
  
"What is it?" asked a half interested Snape.  
  
"A hobbit name generator," said Voldemort. "We can use this to make codenames for everyone."  
  
Voldemort typed in his name. It asked for a first name and a last name and he wasn't about to type Tom Riddle so instead he typed Lord Voldemort.  
  
"My name is Dimple Deepdelver!"  
  
"That is so gay," screamed Lucius and then backed away into the corner after the Dark Lord raised his wand in threat.  
  
"You next Lucius," said Voldemort.  
  
He typed in Lucius Malfoy.  
  
"You're name is Rosie Bulge," Voldemort beamed at Lucius.  
  
"That's a girl's name!" said Lucius but at the look on Voldemort's face said," and that's not a bad thing."  
  
"Alright Severus." Voldemort typed in Severus Snape. "You're name is..... Longo Brockhouse."  
  
"Hey, you're name is 'Longo'," giggled Peter.  
  
"The name fits," said a satisfied Snape. Peter stopped giggling and mused over Severus' statement.  
  
"Crabbe and Goyle, since you two are inseparable anyway well give you both the same name." Voldemort typed in Crabbe Goyle. "Your name is Grigory Danderfulff."  
  
"Shut up, Peter," he added as Peter began to mock Crabbe and Goyle's new name. "And Peter, you're name will be... Load darn it! Aw come on, you're a brand new computer! Ah, here we go, you're name is Wilibald Boggy-Hillocks."  
  
"Hey Peter," said Snape, " Your name fits, too." Snape patted the bald spot on the back of Peter's head.  
  
"Anyway," said Voldemort," we will use these walkie talkies to communicate and that's when we'll use codenames." He handed out the walkie talkies. "Tomorrow morning bright and early we're going into the castle to kill Harry Potter, alright? Everyone get some sleep, now."  
  
"That's it?" asked Snape. "Don't you think we should have a plan?"  
  
"Oh, yeah... Well nevermind about killing Harry Potter tomorrow. We'll have to wait until we have a plan. So we'll make a plan tomorrow and then we'll kill Harry Potter, how about that?"  
  
YAY! Now get ready for a brand spanking NEW Chapter!!! 


	6. A Brilliant and Cunning Plan

Chapter 7  
  
bThe Plan/b  
  
Sorry, I've taken so long but I finally had an idea! I didn't edit the last two chapters any because I felt they didn't need it, and also because I was too lazy. The next chapter shouldn't take long. Please review, and please read and review my other fics! Especially Malfoy's Murder Mystery, I really need feedback so I know whether to continue. Thanks!  
  
  
  
"Let's discuss our plan for killing Harry Potter," said Voldemort to his Death Eaters as they all surrounded him in their hideout.  
  
"I thought we didn't have one yet," said a confused Lucius. How, indeed, could they discuss something that didn't yet exsit?  
  
"That's why we're discussing it, isn't is, you idiot?" said Severus and he smacked Lucius on the head. "Besides, we really have no need to discuss it. I have a fool-proof plan that will allow us to capture and kill Harry Potter right under Dumbledore's nose, even thought I'm really a spy for the Order... Did I say that out loud?"  
  
"Huh?" said Voldemort clearly not paying any attention. He was too busy brushing his precious, Lucius' long blonde locks of hair.  
  
"Right," said Severus while rolling his eyes. "Ignored as usual, I see. Anyway, do you want to hear my plan or not?"  
  
"Yeah, yeah," said Voldemort who was now teaching Lucius how to tie a cherry stem in a knot with his tongue.  
  
Severus got up and walked to the front of the hideout. He cleared his throat and called the room to attention. It's funny, he thought, that I can get the attention of a bunch of hormone controlled teenagers, yet I can seem to get the attention of a few middle-aged wizards. Peter was listening to a new Britney Spears CD, Lucius was getting a back massage, Voldemort was giving Lucius a back massage, and Crabbe and Goyle were picking lice and ticks out of each other's hair. It really was a disturbing sight. So, Severus Snape, being as clever as he was, conjured up ice-cream sundae's for everyone, except himself, of course. He was to mature for ice-cream.  
  
Everyone then gave Severus their undivided attentionas he unveiled his plan.  
  
"Here's the plan: I shall make a polyjuice potion and one of us shall use it to transform into Hermione Granger..."  
  
"Why Hermione Granger?" interuppted Peter who had chocolate syrup smeared across his face.  
  
"Because she likes to snog Harry in the Astronomy Tower, that's why," replied Snape.  
  
"What's snog mean, Severus?" asked Peter with a mouth full of whipped cream.   
  
"Shut up, Peter and let me finish!" Snape's temper was close to the surface and steadily rising. "As I was saying, one of us shall use the polyjuice potion to transform into Hermione Granger. I have already collected a hair." Snape held up a bottle with a piece of Hermione's bushy brown hair. "We shall then send an owl to Potter from Miss Granger telling him to meet her in the Astronomy Tower. Then the transformed person will meet Harry in the Astronomy Tower, stun him, not snog him," he glared at Lucius,"and bring him to the hideout."  
  
"Well, it's not nearly complicated enough," said Voldemort, thinking it over. "I mean, it doesn't involve illegal portkeys, spies in the castle, or deuling. What's the fun in that?"  
  
"Well, think about it My Lord," Severus persuaded, "plans like that have had their drawbacks in the past."  
  
"What do you mean?" the Dark Lord asked, eyeing Severus, daring him to contradict him.  
  
"They... um... Well, they haven't really worked out to your advantage, have they? Harry's gotten away every single time. In my opinion, you should try a less complicated plan."  
  
"Hey, I think we should stakeout the school for three months, turn Harry's toothbrush into an illegal portkey to Iceland, meet him there, take another illegal portkey to London, where we'll get on the train at Platform 9 3/4 and arrive at Hogsmeade. Then, we can tunnel into the Hogwarts grounds, take Dumbledore hostage so he won't be here to save Harry. Then, Voldemort can duel with Harry..."  
  
"Shut up Lucius!" said Snape fighting back the urge to hit Lucius again. "That plan would never work in a million years. It would be a complete and utter waste of our time, don't you agree, My Lord?"  
  
Voldemort looked pensive. Severus and Lucius were looking at him eagerly. Voldemort moved over to Lucius who was sitting on the floor and kneeled down in front of him.  
  
"Lucius, dear, as much as I like your plan, I'm afraid we're going to have to use Severus'. It seems much more thought out."  
  
"Daddy loves Severus more than me!" Lucius wailed. He pulled a frilly handkerchief out of his pocket and began dabbing his eyes for effect.  
  
"Drama Queen" said Severus looking thoroughly disgusted. "I've already got some Polyjuice potion. Shall I retrieve it?"  
  
"Not just yet, Severus. We still have to figure out who's going to take it and transform into the Granger girl."  
  
Wormtail backed away into a corner and pretended to be very interested in a dust bunny.  
  
"Can I Daddy?' begged Lucius, his eyes becoming very large and teary. "I've always wanted to be a girl...I mean to snog Har...uh... I mean get my hands on that Potter boy."  
  
"Certainly not!" yelled The Dark Lord who was, by now, extremely jealous. "I don't trust you to carry out anything like that for a minute. Now, Severus on the other hand..."  
  
Snape was quietly backing out of the room when he heard his name. He thought about making a run for it, but decided it would only put him in bigger trouble. He turned around abruptly.  
  
"Oh, no!" Snape snarled. "You're not making me do this! I'm not turning into a girl, especially that Granger girl."  
  
"Fine then," said Voldemort craftily. "I'm taking away your free dental plan."  
  
"Damn," said Severus. He's been thinking about getting vampire fangs to, you know, impress the fan girls. "Fine! I'll do it! Though, someone will need to dispose of Miss Granger for at least an hour so I'll have time to do the deed."  
  
"The deed! TeeHee," Lucius giggled.  
  
"You know what I mean!" snapped a very disgruntled Snape.  
  
"I think Crabbe and Goyle will be able to dispose of her long enough," said Voldemort as he sent the two to get Hermione. "We'll start as soon as she gets here. Severus, send an owl to Potter, inviting him to a good time. Mwha...mwhaha...mwhahahahaha!! Damn, I'm good."  
  
"It was my idea..." Snape muttered.  
  
"Do you want me to curse you, Severus?" the Dark Lord asked.  
  
"No, My Lord. Your plan is brilliant. I'm sure it will work," Snape said unconvincingly.  
  
"There's a lad," said Voldemort cheerily. "Now, run along and get your little potion. We have work to do."

Taadaa! The next one's coming soon! What did you think?


	7. Mixups and Mayhem

Chapter 8

Mixups and Mayhem

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A half an hour had passed since the Death Eaters set out on each of theirs tasks to execute Operation Harry Potter. Severus was just walking through the hideout door with his potion when he saw what lay inside. He hit himself on the forehead for being so stupid. How could he have forgotten to tell them that one little detail? He knew he couldn't expect them to think for themselves and scolded himself. Well, it was too late now, though. chained to the floor was a perfectly conscious, Miss Granger.  
  
"What the hell is this?" he asked Crabbe and Goyle motioning to Hermione.  
  
"Granger..grunt...girl..." was all that came out.  
  
"I see," said Severus who was holding back his temper. "And why is she conscious?"  
  
Crabbe and Goyle shrugged.  
  
"You do realize you've already put the plan in jeopardy? Now she knows where our hideout is, she knows I'm working for the Dark Lord, and she's probably figured out what the plan is by now! She's not even gagged properly!" his voice was little more than a hiss.  
  
"Severus, what's the problem?" questioned Voldemort as he strolled into the hideout. "Oh, I see you have the Polyjuice potion. You can go ahead and transform into Granger and go get Potter.  
  
"You just divulged most of the plan, My Lord. Now she knows everything. Crabbe and Goyle took her without stunning her! This could ruin everything!" Severus groaned and shook his head thoroughly defeated.  
  
"Just drink the potion and exchange clothes," said Voldemort who was in a hurry to start the plan. The Dark Lord took Crabbe and Goyle by the arms and led them outside. There were two distant _'CRUCIO_!'s, agonized screams and then silence.  
  
"Well, Miss Granger, I'm really sorry I have to do this, but it's the only way," Severus said looking coldly down at Hermione.  
  
"Oh, I know what's going to happen," she said simply. Severus raised an eyebrow. "You're going to save me and we're going to fall madly in love, have knee-knocking sex, and eventually I'll either become a pregnant student or your wife."  
  
Severus stared at her looking shocked and a little disgusted. "Er- Stupefy!" he said and she went out cold. Severus breathed a sigh of relief. At least they could always erase her memory because that was definently not going to happen.   
  
Snape drank the potion and a few minutes later looked exactly like Hermione. His adult robes were hanging off his new girlish form and he slipped them off trying not to touch anything he shouldn't. He then took off the real Hermione's robes still trying desperately not to touch anything and put them on. He swept out of the hideout quickly and met the Dark Lord outside.  
  
"How did you get loose?" the Dark Lord hissed at the Granger-Snape and he raised his wand.  
  
"No! Wait," Snape pleaded as he put out his female hands to stop the Dark Lord. "It's me..."  
  
"Crucio!" the Dark Lord yelled.  
  
Severus screamed in agony and yelled for Voldemort to stop but he wouldn't listen. Finally he had to resort to calling him 'Daddy'.   
  
"Oh, Severus, it is you! I'm so sorry," the Dark Lord said picking Snape up off the ground. "You have breasts!"  
  
"Shut up. We're wasting time. I should be up at the castle now. Has the letter been sent?" Severus asked shakily pulling himself together.  
  
"No, I was just going to start on it." The Dark Lord swept into the hideout and left Severus who was walking briskly up to the castle.  
  
The Dark Lord sat down at his desk, that has never been mentioned before but has always been there. He took out a quill and parchment and wrote down the following:  
  
Dearest Harry,  
  
Come to the Astronomy Tower as soon as you get this. I'll be awaiting your arrival and look forward to torturing you in a sexual way.  
  
Love,  
  
Hermione  
  
Feeling extremely proud of the witty letter he tied it to an brown barn owl who had not been mentioned before but is necessary to the plot and it soared into the air towards Gryffindor Tower.   
  
----------------------------  
  
Meanwhile Severus was waiting patiently in the Astronomy Tower when he heard footsteps coming towards him from behind. He turned around but as he did so two arms grabbed him around the middle and warm lips touched his neck. He tried to pull away but his strength had gone along with his real body. Finally he decided to be more crafty, anything to stop Potter from sucking on his neck.  
  
"Harry," he said in his own voice. Harry stopped suprised. "I mean, Harry," Severus made his voice high-pitched."Could you stop for a moment, there's something I want to ishow/i you," he said in the most sultry tone he could manage. Harry let him go.  
  
Snape turned around brandishing his wand and shouted "Stupefy!". Harry fell to the floor unconcious. "Locomotor mortis," Severus said and Harry's body levitated and together they moved down the intricate hallways all the while trying not to be seen. They finally reached the hideout without incident and Voldemort unstunned Harry.  
  
"He's here! He's here," Voldemort squealed as he stared at Harry. But as he stared his eyes caught something very strange that was happening to Harry's hair. It was turning blond, and he was getting paler. The scar seemed to diminish as well.   
  
"Draco!?" shouted Snape infuriated. He was already planning to vomit after having Harry kiss him, but Draco? Lucius had told Severus that Draco liked to eat his own bogies. That was too much. He ran outside and vomitted in the bushes all over Crabbe and Goyle who were hiding after their altercation with Voldemort. They didn't really seem to mind so he went back inside preparing to murder Draco, who had completely ruined everything.  
  
"Why on earth were you pretending to be Harry, Draco?" Snape asked him infuriated.  
  
"I wanted to get a piece of you. You look good to be a Mudblood... Don't tell my father I said that," Draco said as he batted his eyes at the Hermione/Snape.  
  
"I'm not Hermione, Draco," Snape growled disgusted as he was beginning to transform. He quickly changed back into his robes and threw Hermione's clothes on top of her to prevent Draco from seeing her. Finally, a full grown Severus Snape was standing in front of Draco. This time Draco vomited.  
  
"Ugh!" he retched once more onto the floor. "Why were you transformed as Hermione? Wanted a piece of Potter, did you?"  
  
"Twenty points from Slytherin!" Severus said his temper flaring. "Wait, what am I saying? Anwyay," he said recovering himself," we were just in the middle of a brilliant operation before you just screwed it up! Get out of here Draco! And don't breath a word of this to anyone or I'll put Crabbe and Goyle on you."  
  
Draco scampered out of the hideout and up to the castle.  
  
"Well we better unstun Granger and erase her memory," said Severus. "This has been a complete waste of time."   
  
Voldemort sighed. "We were so close this time."  
  
Severus went over to Hermione and unstunned her  
  
"Where's Lucius?" Severus asked. "He didn't really have a part in the plan, so why isn't he here?"  
  
"I don't know," replied Voldemort looking around.  
  
------------------------------  
  
Meanwhile, up in the Astronomy Tower Harry was sitting there alone waiting for his beloved Hermione to torture him sexually like the letter said. The door opened and a hooded figure strode in.   
  
"I've been waiting for you," Harry said.  
  
"I know," the high-pitched voice giggled.  
  
The figure moved closer to Harry, cornering him and Harry was now aware of how tall the figure was. Much taller than Hermione, in fact. The figure pulled off the hood and Harry barely got a glance of long blonde hair before he was pulled into a sloppy kiss.   
  
"ACK!" screamed Harry struggling to get away. "Get off me! I'd rather die!"  
  
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Later on, Snape had just taken a shower and walked into his private quarters. He'd trusted Voldemort to wipe Granger's memory, knowing full well that it was a mistake. However, he had not seen any sign of her since returning to the castle. He changed into his Batman pajamas that he loved so much and slipped under the covers of his race-car bed next to something very warm. Feeling very confused he decided Filch had gotten lonely again, but under further inspection he found a very un-Obliviated Miss Granger lying next to him.  
  
"Hello, Severus," she said puckering up her lips and closing her eyes.  
  
"Oh, God," Severus said and rolled his eyes. The Dark Lord would pay.  
  
-------------------------------  
  
And so Voldemort and his Death Eaters had been thwarted by the brave Harry Potter once more. Harry had outsmarted them again, but they would get him next time, oh yes!  
  
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This is the end! My first complete fic. Look out for more adventures with the Death Eaters! They're going after Harry again, with a better plan that is sure to work! Hope you liked it!


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